Why red wine is infinitely superior to white wine

While cleaning and reorganizing my pantry this weekend, I accidentally broke a bottle of white wine. Chardonnay, to be exact.

I don't even really like Chardonnay.

I find it too art-gallery pretentious, too sweetly "daytime wedding" reception-y, and far too uninspired.
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Red wine has personality. It's bold and brash and just tempts you to spill it on your clothing, rug, or furniture. It leaves stains on the countertop when tiny droplets slide down the side of the bottle after you've poured the third glass.

Chardonnay just stinks when you spill it. Trust me. I spent quite a while picking up glass fragments and mopping up the river of wine. Even after you couldn't see it, you could smell it.

Had I broken a bottle of red wine, like a good Merlot or Cabernet Sauvignon, at least there would have been an element of drama.

There she stood, surrounded by broken glass. The blood-red liquid pooled at her feet as she glanced about desperately for help. "Merde," she thought, cursing at herself in French, "There goes my $14.00 bottle of relaxation therapy."

See? I told you red wine is better.