Blogging confessions, part 1: Art imitates life

I've been thinking... again... way too much.

But there's an interesting phenomenon occurring in my blogging-life that is perfectly echoed in my real-life.

I have no group.

It's been like this my entire life, and I don't know what it says about me that I can be a part of a group, but still very much apart from the group.

I went to a small Catholic school from kindergarten until the eighth grade, and I could hang out individually with almost any of the girls (and most of the guys), give or take a handful that I thought were mean.  When we went on to the Catholic high school, many of the girls from my junior high stuck together in a clique. I still hung out individually with them, but wasn't part of that group.

During this same time I played fast-pitch softball with a local team and was popular on the team, but given how they went to local public schools and I was in Catholic school, I was never a part of their group really.

I had two very close friends in high school with whom I was part of "LL and Cool J," based on our initials. Even then, though, each of them had their own groups of which they were really a part.

I was a cheerleader, in the Honor Society, in Girl Scouts (oh yes... even as a freshmen I had every senior on campus buying cookies from me come Spring! No way was I embarrassed, when every Varsity football player was scribbling down his number and cookie order), involved with Church, on Student Council... and yet I always wondered what it was that made me always feel like I was on the periphery of every group. I was eagerly welcomed in to pretty much any group I wanted, but never felt like a card-carrying member.

Even in college, in my sorority, I had a few very close friends, but once again they typically belonged to other groups. On the sorority Executive Council, five of the eight of us still hang out regularly... I was one of the other three. The same with the Catholic church organizations, orientation camps at which I was a counselor, freshman leadership groups, honor groups, etc... I watched as seemingly everyone else made circles of friends, while I felt like I was a Venn Diagram, intersecting the circles but not being a circle myself.

 (I'm the green "sustainability" intersection. Thank you to the University of Hawaii for having one of the first Venn Diagram images that I found on the web)

As a consultant for my sorority, I was forced to be on the periphery by the nature of my job. After that year, I taught high school and had friends, but still not a "group." If you look at the bridesmaids in my wedding, while they are all friendly to each other and very comfortable hanging out together, they're still "friends through Lisa" in that I'm not sure if they even have each others' phone numbers.

I've seen a huge number of my friends go on to join churches where they became a part of a marriage group that has lasted for 5+ years, or Moms groups that developed out of their churches that meet-up and even celebrate their childrens' birthdays together.

And now, to add insult to injury, I find the same thing occurring in the blogosphere! When I read the blog rolls of many real-life (RL) friends, I see the blogs of their RL friends, with whom I know they get together in large groups. Some friends from our church in the town in which we used to live have regular Bunko nights, and I see their names on the blogrolls and pictures of their weekly/bi-monthly/monthly get-togethers. It's interesting-- even though I have (had?) PCOS and took a while getting pregnant a second time, I don't feel like I can fit into the "Catholic IF" circle because I had no problem conceiving my first child.

Do I need a hobby? To start an Ulcerative Colitis group? Start an anti-Prednisone group? Find other stay-at-home-moms who are battling scorpions and potty training, hopefully with success in both areas?

Get off the Internet completely so I don't have to think about this?

Does anyone else feel this way?

(Crickets)

Maybe this is just me. Independent. Easily blending but never fully belonging. Not minding (much) being alone, even in a huge group.

I should have been a spy.