A Tale of a Baby and Blood

Oh, the irony. The very blood that kept me alive five years ago now threatens the life of my unborn daughter.

A bit of background info: I've had ulcerative colitis since 2002 and became severely anemic in 2006. I had to have a blood transfusion, and received blood that was incompatible with mine in terms of two particular antigens-- one of them being one of the most dangerous for women of childbearing age. It's not an Rh isoimmunization (which is why Rh negative moms receive RhoGAM), for the record. I developed antibodies against the antigen, and first discovered what had happened when I was pregnant with C, our firstborn. My husband has the antigen to my antibodies, and so with each pregnancy, if the baby also carries the antigen, my antibodies become more specific and deadly-- they target both the baby's red blood cells and his/her bone marrow production. This causes the baby to become anemic, which is why I have to see a perinatalogist on a regular basis. The antibodies have been an issue with my two other pregnancies, but this is the first time that it's incredibly serious. My daughter is becoming very anemic and has to receive several blood transfusions while in utero, and then likely within a couple of months of her birth.

I think my case would drive an abortion proponent up the wall. I've heard the argument that children in the womb are essentially parasites, leaching nutrients and life from their mother. In reality, especially in my particular case, it's more the opposite-- I welcomed a child inside (knowing fully-well what might happen when my husband and I "did what we did," because after two babies we've sort of figured out how that kind of stuff happens...), told her to get comfortable for the next eight-nine months, then proceeded to attack her for months, making her anemic. THEN, instead of blaming this child for complicating MY life (amniocentesis; cordocentesis; tons of extra doctors appointments; traveling for fetal blood transfusions; having to rearrange my husband's, kids', and my schedules; skipping over our 2-year-old's birthday party because there simply wasn't time), I continually apologize for making her life so rough now and keep topping her off with fresh blood, so that I can meet her face-to-face someday and snuggle with her.

Additionally, there's no doubt that this being growing inside of me is a human-- her very own self, with her own blood, and the capacity to have entirely new (human...) donor blood injected into her body in order to sustain her until birth. During each transfusion, there is a team of around 20 people in my operating room. Around half of them are working on/monitoring me or prepared to deliver my daughter in the event her heart rate drops, and the other half are prepared to work on my daughter in the event she is delivered. At 29 weeks, she is much more than "viable." For the next six weeks, the womb is still her safest place to be, so we hope that she stays "inside," but life outside the womb no longer poses the huge risks to her life that it did when she was several weeks younger.

And what does this mean about the possibility of any future children? Don't ask me that now. HERE is where I am NOW. THIS baby, THIS girl, is who I have to focus on for the time being. I've slowly been coming to terms with the possibilities that lie ahead of us, but now is not the time to think that far ahead.

All I know is that I love this girl. This tiny being who kicks and stretches and hiccups and attempts to shove my bladder (and every single internal organ) out of my body in the middle of the night. Is she worth all the trouble? OF COURSE! The only question in my mind is, am I worthy as a mother of all this trouble? We are so blessed by modern science and skilled doctors and having family in our state who can travel and take care of our children. At every turn, we've seen the hand of God, and felt His presence, and known His mercy and blessings. I want to be a woman, a mother, a wife worthy of these precious blessings whose lives have been entrusted to my care. As humans, I think we are naturally selfish creatures who want our lives to be uncomplicated. But you know what-- all lives are complicated. We don't always know what sorrows or burdens or trials another has to face. We struggle and sometimes we succeed, but sometimes we don't. All we can do is try to live our lives as unselfishly as possible, thinking of others ahead of ourselves. That's what mothering and marriage is all about, anyway. Laying your own life down for the sake of another. I'm blessed that God has given me this opportunity to put this into practice.

Please keep my sweet girl in your prayers.     

29 weeks

(she doesn't actually look this wrinkly... it's just that the one 3D image that the sonographer burned to a disc happened to look a bit wrinkly)

Lisa's big, official announcement... Updated with answer

 It's time to make a big announcement to the world!

Ok, so not so much of an announcement as a multiple-choice exam with answer to follow later.

In January, I am going to:

A. Move to Rome with my family for the next 3 years.

B. Give birth to baby #3.

C. Run a half-marathon with my best friend (and Godmother of H, who is pictured above).

We made up our own 5K back in 2005 in honor of the conclave to elect a new Pope. I'm not saying we had anything to do with the successful election of Pope Benedict XVI in just 2 days and 4 ballots... but I wouldn't rule it out. :-)

So... guess away. I'll tell you by tomorrow.

UPDATE: The answer is... C! My best friend (D) and I are doing a half-marathon in January. I wanted to make an official announcement in order to motivate me to keep getting out 3 times a week to train. Thus, any plans for "B" have been put on hold until after the race because I'm so excited to have this as a goal in my life now for health, weight, and personal-sanity reasons, and "A" is always a future possibility, just not on that time frame. D and I are both doing the C25K program (that I said I was going to start back in October, but just actually committed to in May...) and I'm in LOVE with the iPhone app for it. It tells you when to run and when to walk! I play the Beach Boys Pandora station for motivation and the C25K app interrupts it to alert me when to get moving or slow down. In addition, I use the free Runkeeper app to track my distance, speed, and route. You can even talk on the phone and still hear the C25K app telling you what to do, without the other person on the phone hearing it. 

Don't ask me how that works. I totally don't get it. I guess it's because the person on the line doesn't hear anything that from my earpiece, just through the mouthpiece. Hmm. Modern wonders, these newfangled gadgets!

7 Quick Takes Friday (Vol. 11), the "Where have I been?" edition

Sweet Leila wrote me an e-mail, asking where I've been lately. I thought I'd answer her e-mail with a blog post. :)

1. Having LOTS of overnight visitors. Mom came for around a week to escape downtown Fort Worth while the Steelers were in town for the Super Bowl. She accidentally took little H's carseat back home with her, so my dad drove it down the next day and spent a few nights with us. Then, my MIL came down to watch the kids while I took care of the next Quick Take item.

2. Preparing for and having a colonoscopy. This is the 3rd one I've had in the past 10 years, and the only one where I was convinced drinking the prep solution (MoviPrep, which I referred to as MoviHell) might kill me. I kept vomiting it up at 4:30 am, and my loving husband was comically (very sleepily, in his defense) unsympathetic about my plight, telling me to 1) chug it all down at once (impossible), 2) stop throwing up in the sink (also impossible... I couldn't move), and 3) either drink it or go back to bed. Truly, this isn't meant to disparage my hubby-- he's just missing that sympathetic-to-his-wife's-pain gene. For instance, he didn't believe I was going into labor with H, since I wanted to shower and put on make-up instead of screaming; he slept through most of my active labor contractions at the hospital; and I'm pretty convinced that he thought I exaggerated all of my pregnancy and birthing pains. Ha!

3. Realizing that my online time and time I spend maintaining relationships with online "friends" (I only put this in quotes because I don't know many-- most-- of the friends in real life) is giving me an excuse to avoid forming new and maintaining old real life relationships. It was becoming unhealthy, and I decided to step back, the way I did with Facebook around a year ago. I still read many of the blogs and pop in occasionally to comment, but even needed to stop posting as frequently on my own blog because I was too interested in how many comments I had and how many people were reading.

4. Tying into #3, I've been questioning (yet again) the information on the Internet concerning my family, that I've put out there on either Facebook or this blog. I thought the other day about how I'm so glad that Facebook didn't exist when I was in college, because there are plenty of photos I'm more than happy to forget. Then, I thought about how happy I am that my mom wasn't blogging/updating every moment of my life, especially with photos of every awkward moment of my youth. Even when people take down their blogs, some of the cached posts can be found. While I don't post photos of my kids on the blog, I occasionally do on Facebook. I'm starting to think that it's not necessarily my "right" to expose them in that way, when they have no option, and when the photos may follow them, potentially for the rest of their lives. What if C runs for President someday, or H wants to start his own company? :) I think they are the ones who should be able to write their own stories, with or without photos. Thoughts on this? And would you have minded if your mom (or dad) posted thousands of pics of you online and wrote about everything before you had a chance to tell your own story?

5. Getting crafty. I've been finishing the kitchen countertops and reorganizing the kitchen, recovering the dining room chairs and our bar stools, planning some sewing projects for the kids, picking fabric to make new pillow covers for the couch and loveseat, making Valentine wreaths, and planning my spring and summer flowers, herbs, fruits, and veggies.

This took less than 5 minutes while my son was napping. I "Love" it.

These are berries from a tree in our front yard (see header). I've since added more berries and moved the wreath to the front door in case any berries fell off and H ate some. Just call me Mom of the Year.

6. Fishin' for rattlesnakes out of an old cistern. I wish I was kidding about this, but the snakeskin currently residing in my freezer confirms my story. As does this photo, with my FIL, hubby, and BIL (left to right).

I won't even explain what's going on here. Feel free to form your own opinions.

7. Trying tons of new recipes. I lost my HUGE recipe folder (ok, technically the freezer bag that I stuck all of my original and modified recipes in before I transferred them to my official recipe book.  This means I'm missing around 250 recipes) and my Macbook crashed (again), so I lost all of my bookmarks for online recipes that I like. I've decided to use this as a positive time to try new things and remodify recipes that I've made before from online recipes. I also realized that if I'd updated my cooking blog, I'd have a record of everything. Sigh. I've also been having fun with my Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day book. I made a delicious boule this week and then used more of the same dough to make sticky buns for M last night, since he had a big morning today at work.

Handy Tip Tuesday, 2nd Edition- How to hydrate

I've gotten terribly lax in the hydration-department lately. This is especially bad since I'm still nursing my son (almost 1 year now!). I've noticed a general feeling of lethargy in my day-to-day activities; likewise, I'm finding that allergies are affecting me more and a bad allergy spell has turned into a sinus infection a few times in the past couple of months. With two children, I have to be able to keep up. I don't like dragging through the day, and I don't like the toll it take on my appearance. Shallow, perhaps, but true. I'm in my early 30's, not early 60's (but you look great, Mom!).

So, I turned over a new leaf last week!

Every night I fill a 2-quart pitcher with water and put it in the refrigerator. The next day, I drink all of my water from that pitcher and try not only to finish it, but to have at least two more glasses of water. Nursing moms are advised to drink 13 cups a day, so this helps me to hit that goal. And for the record-- pregnant women should be drinking 10 cups a day. So, drink up, Diana, Joanna, Diem, and Christy! And all of my pregnant blogger friends, of course!

Yes, ma'am, we have some good news

Imaginary doctor, entering room: Well, we have some good news, and we have some bad news, ma'am.

Me, nervously: Give me the bad news first, Doctor. I can take it. (tenses body slightly)

Imaginary doctor, hesitantly: Well, ma'am, your ring is still stuck on your finger.

Me, exhaling: Ok, I can handle that for a bit longer. What's the good news, doc?

Imaginary doctor, jovially: The good news is that your finger is still stuck on your hand!

In need of a helping HAND

Or a new hand. Or at least a new ring finger.

Anyone have a spare ring finger lying around? No? Oh well. It was worth a shot.

I rarely wear my engagement ring. I had to take it off right before I gave birth to C, and then once I put it back on when she was a baby, I was forever scratching her head when I nursed her and would switch her from one side to the other.

By the time she was weaned at 15 months, I was already pregnant again and a bit swollen from time to time, so I just stuck with my wedding band except for "dressier" occasions. I'm still nursing H, so the "don't scratch the baby" rule is still in effect.

HOWEVER, Saturday night was a "special" occasion in that our little family headed over to visit with some neighbors at their house. The adults drank margaritas and laughed for hours while the kids played on the swingset until they conked out and we put them all to bed. M and I so rarely stay out late anywhere anymore, so I decided that it was time to get dressy-- slide that ring on your finger, Lisa!

And my, didn't it glisten in the moonlight! Or, at least the back porch light...

However, when I went to take it off last night, I discovered that it was stuck. As in, my-finger-may-have-to-be-amputated-because-it-hurts-so-badly-now stuck. The more I twisted and tugged and pulled, the more swollen the knuckle area became.

I decided to enlist my husband in getting the ring pulled off. BAD IDEA. Not only was it super-late at night, but it made the situation so much worse that I lied awake for HOURS in pain. We tried all kinds of things this morning, to no avail. I ALMOST got it off during an afternoon shower, but I couldn't push past the pain, not knowing for sure if it would work.

Here's what I've tried:

- Ice packs to numb/reduce swelling
- Advil to reduce inflammation and pain
- Lotion
- Astroglide (yes, I just admitted that...)
- Wrapping dental floss around my finger to make it straight and not puffed out
- Windex (read this online...)
- Soap
- Topical lidocaine, in hopes of numbing it enough it yank the thing off. No luck.
- LOTS of coffee to act as a diuretic. It's a good thing I don't have to nurse H too frequently, or he wouldn't sleep for a month!

I know I can get it cut off if need be, and I can also wait again until the swelling goes down to try again. Each time I try I make it FAR worse for the next several hours. It has become so swollen now that I can't even twist it on my finger without cutting into it.

Anyone else have any other ideas? Just wait a bit? Get it cut off? I'm not so sentimental that this would bother me... I don't think my finger falling off from lack of circulation is anymore positive for my marriage than keeping the ring intact.

Sorry for the grainy, off-color iPhone pics. They're the least of my worries now.

PS No Homeschooling Discernment Series post today...  ring finger pain trumps school post :-)

What's worse than a sick baby?

Hmmm... maybe a colonoscopy and a dentist visit. Both of which I also have to schedule. But right now, the sick baby trumps all.

When I took sweet H out of the bath on Friday, he felt incredibly warm. His temp was 100.3. Not thrilling, certainly, but not too worrisome. Unfortunately, 30 minutes later it has elevated to 101.5.

From that point on Friday night until this morning at 5:15 am, it has only dipped below 100 once, to 99.9. The high point, thankfully, has only been 103, but I just can't get a handle on what exactly is going on.

Other symptoms: nada. No runny nose, no cough, no bowel issues, no vomiting, his neck moves normally, no foul-smelling urine. When his temp comes down a bit (with the help of medication), he crawls around and chases the dogs and his sister, so he likely doesn't have a serious bacterial infection.

I finally caved in and made him an appointment with the pediatrician for this afternoon. For my own sanity I need to know that he's on the mend and that I'm not missing something else. I did talk with the doctor on the phone yesterday and we decided to take a wait-and-see approach for the time being. Now, though, I think it's time for more seeing and less waiting.

Say a prayer for my precious H!

Blogging confessions, part 1: Art imitates life

I've been thinking... again... way too much.

But there's an interesting phenomenon occurring in my blogging-life that is perfectly echoed in my real-life.

I have no group.

It's been like this my entire life, and I don't know what it says about me that I can be a part of a group, but still very much apart from the group.

I went to a small Catholic school from kindergarten until the eighth grade, and I could hang out individually with almost any of the girls (and most of the guys), give or take a handful that I thought were mean.  When we went on to the Catholic high school, many of the girls from my junior high stuck together in a clique. I still hung out individually with them, but wasn't part of that group.

During this same time I played fast-pitch softball with a local team and was popular on the team, but given how they went to local public schools and I was in Catholic school, I was never a part of their group really.

I had two very close friends in high school with whom I was part of "LL and Cool J," based on our initials. Even then, though, each of them had their own groups of which they were really a part.

I was a cheerleader, in the Honor Society, in Girl Scouts (oh yes... even as a freshmen I had every senior on campus buying cookies from me come Spring! No way was I embarrassed, when every Varsity football player was scribbling down his number and cookie order), involved with Church, on Student Council... and yet I always wondered what it was that made me always feel like I was on the periphery of every group. I was eagerly welcomed in to pretty much any group I wanted, but never felt like a card-carrying member.

Even in college, in my sorority, I had a few very close friends, but once again they typically belonged to other groups. On the sorority Executive Council, five of the eight of us still hang out regularly... I was one of the other three. The same with the Catholic church organizations, orientation camps at which I was a counselor, freshman leadership groups, honor groups, etc... I watched as seemingly everyone else made circles of friends, while I felt like I was a Venn Diagram, intersecting the circles but not being a circle myself.

 (I'm the green "sustainability" intersection. Thank you to the University of Hawaii for having one of the first Venn Diagram images that I found on the web)

As a consultant for my sorority, I was forced to be on the periphery by the nature of my job. After that year, I taught high school and had friends, but still not a "group." If you look at the bridesmaids in my wedding, while they are all friendly to each other and very comfortable hanging out together, they're still "friends through Lisa" in that I'm not sure if they even have each others' phone numbers.

I've seen a huge number of my friends go on to join churches where they became a part of a marriage group that has lasted for 5+ years, or Moms groups that developed out of their churches that meet-up and even celebrate their childrens' birthdays together.

And now, to add insult to injury, I find the same thing occurring in the blogosphere! When I read the blog rolls of many real-life (RL) friends, I see the blogs of their RL friends, with whom I know they get together in large groups. Some friends from our church in the town in which we used to live have regular Bunko nights, and I see their names on the blogrolls and pictures of their weekly/bi-monthly/monthly get-togethers. It's interesting-- even though I have (had?) PCOS and took a while getting pregnant a second time, I don't feel like I can fit into the "Catholic IF" circle because I had no problem conceiving my first child.

Do I need a hobby? To start an Ulcerative Colitis group? Start an anti-Prednisone group? Find other stay-at-home-moms who are battling scorpions and potty training, hopefully with success in both areas?

Get off the Internet completely so I don't have to think about this?

Does anyone else feel this way?

(Crickets)

Maybe this is just me. Independent. Easily blending but never fully belonging. Not minding (much) being alone, even in a huge group.

I should have been a spy.

O Neti Pot

(to the tune of "O Christmas Tree)

O Neti Pot, O Neti Pot, how did I live without you?

O Neti Pot, O Neti Pot, how did I live without you?

You clear my nose and sinuses out.

Now I can breathe both in and out.

O Neti Pot, O Neti Pot, how did I live without you?


O Neti Pot, O Neti Pot, I'm so glad I've found you. 
O Neti Pot, O Neti Pot, I'm so glad I've found you.
You're the oddest thing I've ever bought.
But you've helped me clean out my sick snot.
O Neti Pot, O Neti Pot, I'm so glad I've found you.

Seriously, this thing is amazing. It looks and sounds crazy, but it works.

Vanity, thy name is Lisa

So, I've mentioned that I'm taking Prednisone for my UC flare. It's a corticosteroid that reduces inflammation, but has some unwelcome side effects, including:

-Weight gain (Luckily, the scale has stayed the same. But more on this later...)

-Mood swings (Up, down, up, down... mostly up for 2 weeks, now all over the board)

-Insomnia (What? I'm sorry... I haven't slept much in 2 weeks and can't process this thought)

-Avascular necrosis of bone (Yes, that would be another way of saying BONE DEATH. Hello, aching knees last week)

-Acne (Unfortunate, given that my skin has been so clear the past few months)

Now that we've dealt with these, I'd like to introduce you to Sara Beth. She's been hanging around lately, though I won't be too sad to see her go, hopefully sooner than later. Sara Beth is my... buffalo hump.  There. I've said it. I. Have. A. Hump. I'm going to have to talk to our church about hiring me to ring the bells instead of the electronic system they have. Just call me Quasimodo. Prednisone can cause a "redistribution of fat," which is a polite way of saying that it migrates to places you DO NOT want it to go... belly, neck, and face (hello, moon face! What's up with this terminology, anyway? "Moon face" and "buffalo hump" do not do much for one's self-esteem). So, even though the numbers on the scale are the same, I'm still looking rounder.

While I refuse to display a photo now of Sara Beth, check out this website if you're curious.

This whole process has been interesting, and is really forcing me to get over myself, particularly when it comes to my looks. Post-pregnancy time is already tough, but add a very round face (and I already HAD a round face!), a hump, and an inability to lose weight while on this medicine, plus bloodshot eyes due to insomnia, being a bit sick, and having 2 somewhat-sick kids who wake up multiple times each night, I've had to just see the humor in this season of my life. Thus, "Sara Beth" was named. "Sara Beth" sounds much nicer than buffalo hump. I've accepted her as my buddy during this time, since she won't be going anywhere until I'm off the meds sometime next month. 

This does not, however, mean that I'm giving up all vanity. I seriously need a haircut so I don't look like I belong in Deliverance. Just make sure my hair hides the hump, though, please.

7 Quick Takes Friday (Vol. 1)

1. So, my brother-in-law lent us Season 3 of the Showtime TV series "Dexter." It's CREEPY. And even though M and I can't figure out if we like it (um, crazy psychopathic guy kills bad people in scary, crazy, and creepy ways... see why we aren't sure what we think?), we're oddly addicted. Particularly me, because I just want to get to the bottom of the season's mysteries. Creepy mysteries.

2. I'm teaching C how to count to ten in French. She already does it in English and is learning it in Spanish, so I figure ma petite fille needs to speak MY favorite foreign language. Plus, she's been to Quebec, but never Mexico, so French has already been far more practical. "Huit" (eight) is her favorite number, so she sometimes shouts it out randomly in the car. It sounds like she's screaming for "wheat."

3. M and I have TV as of this week! C is loving Sesame Street and Thomas and Friends, which I am totally ok with. It's nice to have a few minutes to get myself ready while she's learning something. Abby Cadabby is now almost as near-and-dear to her as Tinkerbell. Plus, now we can watch 24 and Modern Family (best comedy ensemble on TV EVER).

4. When I was in junior high, I used to make fun of moms who had their children attached to kid-leashes. Now, I totally get it. Velcro-ing C to my leg may also be an option when I'm trying to wrangle her and the stroller around in public places. Time for a double stroller!

5. I want one of these:

It's a Bugatti Veyron Mouse, and I think it looks like fun. And it's an affordable $1.5 million. Perhaps I'll just attach ears, a tail, and whiskers to the Ford F150.

6. Scrapblog is fun. I'm working on making a few pages for a scrapbook. Anyone want to take bets as to whether I can make even ONE album without abandoning it like I did blogging??

7. I have found that I like to clean now. Maybe it's the Prednisone I'm taking for the colitis, but I'm like Superwoman around the house these days. Whoo-hoo for crazy steroid-driven energy!